Six years in and I'm tempted to buy a dissertation. Talk me down. 🎓

[BenShow]

I'm going to be really honest right now because I don't know where else to say this.

I'm in my sixth year of a PhD program. SIX. YEARS. I'm ABD, I have all my data, I know what my argument is, and I CANNOT. FINISH. WRITING.

Every day I sit down to work on my dissertation and every day I find something else to do. Dishes. Emails. Crying. Staring at the wall. Making spreadsheets of things that don't matter. Anything but writing. ✍

And lately I've been having this dark thought: what if I just... pay someone?? What if I find a service to buy a dissertation – like, just pay someone to write the damn thing so I can be DONE??

I know it's wrong. I know I'd be cheating myself and my degree and everything I've worked for. But I'm so TIRED. I'm 30 and broke and watching all my friends move on with their lives while I'm still stuck on this stupid document. My mental health is trash. My relationships are suffering. I just want it to be OVER.

Has anyone else felt this way?? Did you get through it?? How??

I'm not actually going to buy a dissertation (probably). But the fact that I'm even considering it scares me. I need to hear from people who made it through this stage. Tell me it gets better. Tell me there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Or tell me if you DID buy one and it worked out?? I'm judging but also... curious?? I don't even know anymore.

Please be kind. I'm fragile.

 

[ViVi]

Ben, I'm going to tell you something my therapist told me during my dissertation, and I hope it helps.

She said: "You're not avoiding writing. You're avoiding the FEELINGS that come up WHEN you write. The inadequacy. The fear. The pressure. The grief over all the years this has taken. The writing itself isn't the problem – it's the emotional experience of writing."

And she was right. Every time I sat down to write, my brain went "danger!!" because writing meant facing all those feelings. So I'd do dishes instead. Dishes felt safe. Dishes didn't judge me.

The solution wasn't to force myself to write more. It was to make writing feel safer. I started with 10 minutes a day. Just 10. With a timer. And if after 10 minutes I wanted to stop, I could. No guilt. And slowly, my brain learned that writing wasn't going to kill me. The feelings were uncomfortable but survivable.

You're not broken. You're not lazy. You're protecting yourself from pain. And that's understandable. But you can also teach yourself that the pain won't actually destroy you.

Also – please please please talk to your advisor about where you're at. They've seen this before. They can help. You don't have to do this alone.